Control

This is not at all how I thought that my life would be. When Jarrod and I got married 15 years ago (so long ago right) he was in medical school and I taught Elementary school. After a few years we were hoping for children and three seemed like a good number to us. However it did take us several years into our marriage before having children. Teaching early childhood was good birth-control for me... I love children and teaching but I was just too tired to do it at school AND at home! By the way kudos to all of you who teach outside of the home and pour yourself out as mamas when you get home. My mom was a teacher and while it’s very rewarding it’s also exhausting!!!

So we had been married about 4 1/2 years when we had our first sweet little boy (who is now a way too grown-up 10-year-old ) We had just moved to Cleveland, Ohio for my husband’s medical training when multiple sclerosis decided to rear its ugly head. A relapse with multiple sclerosis? I never imagined lesions appearing on my spine!! We were beyond grateful though that nothing was wrong with the baby. After treatments and physical therapy I ended up with a small limp on my left side. I thought it was such a huge deal but I would love to go back to a small limp right now. Isn’t that a problem we often have? I know often for me looking back problems that seemed SO BIG don’t seem so big anymore.

It is very rare that MS relapses happen during pregnancy and many patients with MS have relatively healthy lives with their children. Well that’s all I needed to hear because I really wanted to have more babies but I knew that three would not be possible (well at least in my false sense of control)! I knew with what happened last time that Jarrod and I would not try twice to be pregnant but I really wanted one more sweet baby and I was not at all worried about another relapse. MS relapses in pregnancy are rare right? Thankfully it didn’t take us very long to get pregnant and when I went into the doctor at seven weeks they told me that we were having twins. Twins?? Jarrod and I were both shocked scared and excited! Also that is really an understatement WE WERE SHOCKED! I was able to take care of the twins to almost 38 weeks and praise God they were healthy! Mommy was not and another relapse sit in around 22 weeks again and this time did even more damage to my spine. We now had an almost 3-year-old and newborn twins. It was a crazy time and to be honest I don’t remember much of it but I do know that we were surrounded by family and friends. God‘s provision for us again as our dependency on Him became stronger. When the twins were almost two we moved to San Antonio Texas. We knew not a soul and we could have been very alone. The extrovert in me loved being in new places and I felt like it was a challenge for our family to find new places to fit in and we definitely did! I fell in love with the people and city of San Antonio . I would definitely have at least another

page of all the ways that God provided in Texas. I recognized His provisions but others provisions I see looking back. Hindsight is always 20/20 right? We moved from Texas to Charlotte North Carolina for his medical training. Every notion of control that I ever had began to be challenged and my false sense of control started to be replaced with greater dependency on others and greater dependency on God. Driving my kids anywhere we needed to go? Gone. Grocery shopping when I just needed one thing for a recipe? Gone. Feeling like an independent wife and mother? Gone. If I say that I gave these things up easily or even willingly that would be a lie. It is hard to be so dependent on others. Actually that is quite an understatement ...it is really really really HARD to be so dependent. Our time in Charlotte was wonderful and difficult for our family. However that year grew our faith in God grew stronger and even more real for our family. We knew that we were going to move a year later and again God surprised me and showed me that I am not in control. Our family moved to Macon Georgia and although our family started here in college, it’s not where I thought we would plant roots. In Macon our family has thrived! Our children love their new school and God has shown us that He is in the details all the way from my husband‘s job to our house.

God has shown us and continues to show us that He provides and He is in control. Life doesn’t look like what we thought and your life might not look like what you imagined. However God is faithful and He is sovereign! My prayer for you is that you would trust Him completely and believe as Romans 828 says

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kFfztu8-bBQ

This Day

During the summer I try to get up early. so I can spend some time with God before my kids get up. Some days I am successful at getting up earlier and some days I’m not. I’ve heard before that getting to spend time with God first is waking up for your day instead of to your day. When I am successful at getting up I have my plans laid out, which always involves the Bible and coffee. Some mornings more than others my body is really really stiff and it is hard to do what I want it to do. I don’t know if you have this problem but Siri does not understand southern accents. I use the voice feature on my phone because typing is hard to text and doing any sort of writing is pretty hard and really slow! Much of my time is spent yelling at Siri that I did not say that crazy word and frustrated because I have to correct which takes so much time. I began to have a conversation with God and sometimes out loud. I probably look a little crazy but usually I’m on my porch and no one is around to see except the birds chirping and the squirrels running up and down the trees. 

Doesn’t God see how I had planned to spend time with Him and how much time is being wasted yelling into my phone? Then I slowly begin to realize that I’m wasting my agenda not His! He woke me up for another day. I might have slowly crawled out of bed and my spaciscity is out of control, but there is breath in my lungs. I wish I could control how my body reacts but I can’t. I practice stretching every morning that helps but I cannot control how my body responds. There are circumstances beyond my control and there are circumstances beyond your control. I am reading the book of Esther in the Bible and she was a woman put in circumstances that she would probably not have chosen for herself. Esther had to decide whether to become discouraged by the circumstances around her and frustrated or trust the Lord is sovereign and the circumstances were not beyond His control. The Lord is sovereign. He is in control of all things and nothing surprises Him. Do we choose to trust Him or go our own way? Do we choose to become discouraged or encouraged that the Lord is in control? Do we become hopeless and frustrated by our circumstances? In Psalms 42:5 the Bible asked “why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation” 

‭My prayer for you is that you will find your encouragement and hope in the Lord. Trust Him and know that He is sovereign. He is the God who created you, loves you and knows every detail and has great plans for your life!

“Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for GOD ’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6 MSG

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1srs1YoTVzs

“This Little Light of Mine”

I don’t know about you but the end of the school year can be crazy and chaotic. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun! But it is also exhausting! There are award ceremonies, recitals, ball games, end of the year parties, etc... it begins to give you a false sense of reality. My life begins to become about a checklist, instead of about serving others ...instead of about Jesus.

I was jolted back to reality last weekend with the death of one of my very favorite people, my uncle Raymond. At his funeral it was said how much he focused on others and busied himself with serving other people. One of the many ways he loved to serve was in my grandmother’s garden. Every year, he would plant new flowers for my grandmother in her garden. He did love flowers, especially roses! When he entered the room he wanted to know what he could do to help you and how you were doing. He had a servant’s heart. Now he is restored and suffering no more. What peace to know he is now experiencing the life we are meant for, eternal life with Jesus.

This past week, while one of the hardest weeks, also reminded me what is most important. How am I living this life? Who am I living this for? Am I pouring out myself to others? “This Little Light of Mine,” while known as a kids song, is perfect for reminding us that the light of Jesus that we have inside us is to shine for others to see, “not hidden under a bushel.” Don’t let the brokenness of this world cause you to become so bitter that “you let satan blow it out.”

There are so many things I learned about life from Uncle Raymond. I learned how great the waves are just before a storm and that it's the best time to boogie board with my dad, my cousin Ryan, and my uncle. I learned that Rod Stewart music is the best, and I learned some great dance moves to go with it! I learned that a smile and a pat on the back can be the touch someone else might need.

Serve others. Love others. Be the hands and feet of Jesus. Most importantly KNOW JESUS! Know that Jesus came into this world and died for you and me so that we may have eternal life with Him. “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6 ESV) 

My prayer for you is that you ask and answer these questions for yourself and that ultimately you know Jesus, love Him and live your life serving and loving others through Jesus Christ.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16 ESV

"This Little Light of Mine"

"Death Was Arrested" by North Point InsideOut

Creating Sacred in the Busyness

This past week one of my life long dreams became a reality, thanks to two of my dear friends.  In college, I always had a poster hanging on my wall that said "San Francisco" with a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge. We spent our first full day in the city going on a tour of several different parts of this city. Then, we slowly drove down the winding roads to the Golden Gate Bridge. As my friends and I watched the rocks and the splashing water beneath the burnt orange bridge (I learned about the correct color from the tour guide), it was hard not to tear up at the realization that I was sitting right there! We took lots of pictures to try to capture the moment and then got back on the bus to visit a few more places. Just like any city it was a bustling place; cars passed back-and-forth on the bridge and boats big and small traveled along the bay.

A little over an hour from this busy city is Muir Woods. I don’t think saying that it is a beautiful place quite gives it justice; however, it is BEAUTIFUL! It is a national monument surrounded by redwoods and streams of water. My friends and I walked through the paths where you could go hiking and fortunately for me there was a paved path that made it much easier for a wheelchair. One of my friends said it was amazing that this beautiful place was so close to the city, such stillness in the hustle and bustle. We decided to sit and take in the beauty instead of letting it pass us by so quickly.

It reminded me of the numerous times in scripture that Jesus withdrew from the crowds to spend time with the Father. In Luke 5:16 it says that “he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.” Jesus was surrounded by great crowds of people wanting healing and to just hear him speak. However, no matter the amount of people that wanted to see Jesus, he knew he needed to spend time with his Father. Just before the guards came and arrested him, he left the disciples, “and he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed.”  Luke 22:41 ESV

It is hard for this extrovert to be alone. I LOVE to be with people! I get energy from being around people and love to be part of the busyness of life. However, God’s teaching me that in the quiet places He renews my strength. My dependency on Him grows stronger as I learn to rest in Him. My prayer for you is that you will learn to rest in Him as you find and create sacred in the busyness of your life.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

"I Just Need U." by TobyMac

Heroes of Faith

I have a sign in my kitchen that my wonderful friends gave me. I purposely put it in a place where my family and I are reminded as we leave our home to:

 “Let our faith be bigger than our fear.” 

For the past many weeks I’ve had the opportunity to study the book of Hebrews. This past week my study focused on Hebrews 11, also known as the “hall of faith.” I have read about Abel and his generous whole hearted offering to the Lord, Noah and his reverent fear of God, and Abraham’s unwavering trust in the seemingly impossible, to name a few. 

What is faith? The Bible defines faith as:

The assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. 

I don’t know about you but it is very hard for me to not be fearful, to not worry about what tomorrow will bring, to trust that God is in control no matter what the circumstances may be. 

As I studied this week, I began to think about my own heroes in the faith... their faith that taught me what it means to truly love Jesus... their faith that taught me, despite my circumstances, to believe Romans 8:28, “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” My heroes have shown me through their walk of obedience what it means to stay rooted in His word, to study and know it, and to have it “hidden in my heart.” My heroes have shown me how important it is to stay connected to other believers. When my faith is lacking and doubt starts to seep in, “my crew” points me back to Jesus. My crew reminds me of His promises, His faithfulness and that His word is true. I want to be in that hall of faith. I want to have courage to believe that His “grace is sufficient for me.” My prayer for you is that you will want the same and you will let your faith BE BIGGER than your fear. Who are your heroes of faith?

"Even If" by Mercy Me

A Day of Love

So it was just Valentine’s Day, and it is a Day that I happen to love. I’m sure that many of you don’t like it, and I’ve heard that it’s a “Hallmark holiday” and that people get all stressed out about getting “the right gift.” Flowers become VERY expensive, chocolates become a hot commodity and there are many big stuffed animals with hearts attached to their bellies. It is fun, and extremely annoying all at the same time, that a simple box of chocolates costs so much more than usual (I have a friend that waits until after Valentine’s Day to buy all the Russell Stover chocolates that she can. Brilliant, right?). My husband calls Valentine’s Day the Hallmark holiday, but he knows I love it so this year he got me heart camoflage pajamas. He told me that he knew that pajamas are my favorite thing since I pretty much only wear yoga pants, leggings or pajamas. I could argue but I know it’s true, and he knows my love of camo! To celebrate the day, a friend helped me decorate the house with hearts everywhere that said little attributes about the kids or had little Valentine jokes. 

While all of the decorating and celebrating brings me such joy, my favorite part of Valentine’s Day is truly what I try to keep our family focused on and that is God‘s love. We get to celebrate His love for us and share with others:

God’s love for us does not change no matter our feelings towards Him and no matter our circumstances. 
God’s love for us sent His only Son to die on a cross for us. 
God’s love for us gives us a Savior and cleanses us of ALL the dirtiness that we bring. 

I love how The Message calls Jesus our Complete. “But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.”  (1 Corinthians 13:10 MSG) His love is INSATIABLE, UNDENIABLE, COMPLETE!

My friend also helped me write scripture verses all over the house. On Valentine’s Day the first thing I give the kids is a heart with the scripture verse that says:

“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16 ESV) 

Another heart says:

"Love means following His commandments, and His unifying commandment is that you conduct your lives in love.” (2 John 1:4-6 MSG). 

That’s what Valentine’s Day needs to be all about, celebrating God‘s amazing infinite wonderful love for us! I don’t know how you celebrated this Valentine’s Day or even if you acknowledged Valentine’s Day at all! But I do hope you know God‘s unconditional and incomprehensible love for you. YOU are His child and my prayer is that you feel completely overwhelmed by His love for you!!

Oh The Deep, Deep Love by Sovereign Grace

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 

(1 Corinthians 13:13 ESV)

Reflections

Confession: I struggle with jealousy. 

My kids were home two days last week because of the snow and ice. I am tired. Don’t get me wrong it has been really fun! I am so glad my kids were home because snow days. We did not have much snow but it was enough for them. They threw snowballs, built mini snowman, and even practiced sledding down the hill! However, as I watched them from my wheel chair, I became really bitter. I looked past all the many blessings and just looked at everything I did not have and wanted! I tried to make a list of things I could be thankful for instead of wallowing in my pity (although I really wanted to wallow).

I have a wheelchair that can go outside and watch the kids play in the snow. 

I have children that wanted me to come out with them and waited patiently until I got in my chair to play in the snow. 

My children were healthy enough to run and play outside and most of the time had a really good time with each other! 

My husband is very hard-working and has a good job that provided us with a house that keeps us warm on a cold day! 

Our house also has big doors for wheelchairs and ramps... it even has cabinets with drawers that pull out and are easily accessible! Our house really is amazing... talk about God‘s provision!  

Sometimes I get so tired of watching life from the wheelchair and I want to stand up and do! I have so many things to be thankful for but I can quickly look past that and focus on all the things that I want or think would make my life better. Isn’t it easy to get focused on all of the things we want instead of all the blessings that we DO have?

I play a game with my kids called Count Your Blessings. They roll their eyes (especially my 10-year-old) but begrudgingly they play it and they always end up in a better mood. Each person only has three seconds to name a blessing. I normally keep them going until I begin to see smiles on their face instead of the grumpy looks and arguing that are about to ensue.  In Philippians 4:8 God's Word tells us “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” In Colossians 3:2 it says to “set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Whether it be our spouse or our children or coworkers we choose the tone for our life. We choose our own attitude and our focus. Are we going to choose an attitude of gratitude or an attitude of grumbling and complaining? What do we reflect to others? Do we reflect Jesus Christ or ourselves? My prayer for each of us is that as we start our day we make a conscious decision to set our mind on things above and begin to look more like Christ as we reflect Him to others.

"Joy Pours Out" by Christy Nockels