My heart was broken yesterday. My oldest son came home from school, and he just seemed angry. He was very short with others and his responses to me and seemed very touchy about every little thing. Later, he asked my husband if mommy was ever going to get better. He told my husband that some kids were making fun of him because his mom was in a wheelchair. My husband is wonderful and tried to explain the best he could to an almost 10-year-old that I might never get better. He also reminded our son that we don't know what the other kids might be going through; many times we hurt people because we are hurting as well... maybe they are having problems at home with mom or dad or even at school. We've dealt with this before in every city or town we have lived in. However, he understands more as he gets older and seeing that his mom is "different" is harder than before.
The mama bear in me wants to get really angry. I'm mad that he is hurting, that we are all hurting. I want to get up out of my chair and walk next to him. I want to reach out and hug him from two legs that are standing and reach out to him with arms that are not shaking. I'm doing everything I can to get stronger. But, as my husband told him, I might not walk again and that is really hard to swallow. That really hurts.
This is a crazy mixed up world. It is a sinful world. Bad things happen and there is so much suffering, and I do not understand. However, I know, and I pray you know, that hope is not found in this world. In Psalms 31:24 the Bible tells us to "be strong and courageous all you who put your hope in the Lord." I try to read these psalms with my children and remind them that our God loves us unconditionally. I try to always tell them thank you for talking to us. I remind them that mom and dad love them more than they know. My husband and I don't want them to ever feel that they can't come to us because it might hurt mom's feelings. I'm not going to lie: it does hurt. Knowing that my wheelchair causes problems for him stings. But the bad days definitely do not outweigh the good that is coming. Do you and I know that our God can do the impossible? I had a doctor tell me that after a relapse it was pretty much impossible for recovery after seven years. It has been 10. I'm hoping that He does heal me physically. I KNOW He can...but if He does not I can TRUST Him! My prayer for you is that you trust Him in your life even when you cannot see! He's got you...believe and trust Him!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Unstoppable God" by Elevation Worship
Oh my friend. My heart broke reading this. I am so sorry. You are one of the strongest people I know with your faith stronger!!! Thank you for sharing, I've been meaning on that verse a lot lately too. Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Haley, your words minister to me and I am sure many others. Prayers for you and Grayson and the rest of your sweet family! We love you all. Molly Banks
ReplyDeleteHaley! Praying that really difficult day leads to a deeper understanding for Grayson of God's faithfulness and mercy. Keep on!
ReplyDeleteTears in my eyes and wish I could give you a hug. Your words encourage more than you know. I'm so thankful for your strong faith and the way you use it to minister to your family, friends, strangers and me. Miss you friend! Thanks for being brave enough to write hard things. Lauren
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