Broken Vessels

I'm tired. Sometimes I tell my husband that it feels like Groundhog Day. Before my feet hit the floor I start to think my body is going to work better. My left foot is not going to be frozen anymore, my toes are going to wiggle! There won't be anymore dizziness. My left arm is stronger and my hand is not curling up. Then, the realities of MS start to sink in: almost constant vertigo; a very stiff left leg and left arm, make showering and putting on clothes very hard; a left foot that still won't move.  All are in full effect. This constant drain makes me bitter and discouraged. I know Satan wants me to feel this way. He wants you to feel that way too. He uses the circumstances of our life to put us in a downward spiral... a downward spiral of uselessness.

 Why am I here? 

What is my purpose? 
 
When I begin to question my purpose, I put the focus on myself. However, it is not about me. It is not about you. We are His vessels. Broken, yes, but vessels usable to God. When I surrender my plans to the Lord, He is glorified. He takes our weaknesses and failures and turns them into treasures. Second Corinthians 4:6-7 says we now have the light of Jesus shining in our hearts and we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure of light in order to make it clear that our great power is from God, NOT from us. He takes our pain, our struggles, our disabilities and uses them to "let the light shine out of darkness" to minister to others. Trust me, I'm not saying I like MS. I REALLY, really, really don't most days; however I am humbled that God can use this crummy disease to shine His light to others. My prayer is that we will let God's light and love shine through us. We are His broken vessels.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Genesis 50:20

"Broken Vessels" by Hillsong 


  

Red Sea Road

Exodus 14:21-22 "Then Moses raised his right hand over the sea and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind. The wind blew all that night turning the seabed into dry land. So the people of Israel walked through the middle of the sea on dry ground with the walls of water on each side!"

I love hearing the story of the Israelites and the Red Sea and telling the story to my children. My daughter is pretty good at re-telling me all about the separation of the Red Sea. In chapter 14, the Israelites went into the wilderness with grumbling and complaining. They saw the sea before them, and thought it was a dead end, an impossible possibility. When I read about their doubting hearts, my first thought was to blame the Israelites for not trusting God. I certainly would not do that… at least, I hope I wouldn’t do that… or would I? Didn't they remember that God delivered them and provided for them? As much as I don’t want to admit, I can unfortunately identify with their doubt-full hearts in the face of an impossible possibility. It is so hard to see the suffering and pain in my life and not start to doubt. I have my own ideas about my life. I think I know the best way that God should accomplish His purpose in my life. In the commentary of my Bible on suffering, it says that "when we face what seems to be detours, it may be that we are in fact on the straightest possible path to the destination God has for us." 

   

My family has lived in several places over the past 13 years, but not at the time we thought nor in the city we planned. I have loved our time in every place we have lived, and I am so grateful to have friends scattered all over the place! When we first found out we were moving to San Antonio, Texas, we were both in shock. We knew absolutely no one in San Antonio and with my health, I needed help. At least in Ohio, where we lived at the time, my husband's family lived 30 minutes away from us. My family lived in Georgia, not even close to Texas. Didn’t God know that? Didn't God care? Why were we moving to Texas? So far away from our families and the help I needed? 

In Jeremiah 29:11, the Bible tells us that "the Lord knows the plans He has for us." In Proverbs, the Bible tells us to "trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding." In Texas, we were quickly surrounded by new friends… friends that became our family. My health did not improve; in fact, my MS got worse. However, not once did God not provide and did we not see His hand in our lives. Sometimes we had to look really hard, and yes, at times we doubted, but God never left us! 

Four years later we moved to Charlotte. Once again, we had not planned on moving to Charlotte, but God did. I had tried so many treatments for my health, and I just kept getting worse. Two weeks after moving, I developed vertigo and was unable to drive. I was so discouraged and felt hopeless. I had three growing kids and a husband with a busy job; how was this going to work? Also, have I mentioned I am an extrovert and love being around people?! Was I just expected to sit around the house and not go anywhere? It seemed really unfair, and I felt like God didn't care. But as I've learned over the past 10 years, God shines in the impossible because He is glorified! He has provided friends that take my children and I everywhere. One friend takes me to the doctor and my children to gymnastics, soccer and piano. Other friends take us to church when my husband is working. I have another friend that takes me on field trips so I can be with my children, and she also takes me out of the house to places around Charlotte. These friendships are such a blessing, and it has been humbling to see the way God has provided for our family… for me. Trust in Him because God can make it possible when it seems impossible!

"Red Sea Road" by Ellie Holcomb

How Music Calms My Soul

"Through it all my eyes are on you"... God speaks to me through music and there are so many songs that He uses to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I don't have enough time to list all the songs that have spoken to me. However I will name a few of my favorites and I would love to know some of your favorites too! I play music all day long. It is in the background when my children are getting ready in the morning and when dealing with grumpy attitudes or physical body parts not working like I want them to, God uses the lyrics to keep me calm. One of my favorite songs is "It is well with my soul. The original song was written by Horatio Spafford and I encourage you to Google his name and read his story. I have always loved the lyrics of this song but they have taken on a special meaning in the past few years. 

There are so many trials that we face in this life. This world is hard. We all have something that wants to bring us down. Satan tries to discourage us through so many circumstances, but God reminds me that the battle has already been won. That's why it is well with my soul. My circumstances don't determine my eternity. I am a child of God. So when things around me  seem to be crumbling, I don't despair and lose hope. That does not mean I don't cry and get frustrated and call out to God. Sometimes I just can't make sense of it all. I don't know about you but I just don't have the words to say because I'm so frustrated. In desperation I just cry Jesus. I just cry out His name. In my desperation He reminds me that He is my peace and my comforter. "Whatever my lot it has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul." 

My prayer for you is that you find an overwhelming sense of peace that only Christ can give. Let Him be your joy, your hope, your all in all.

"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to best about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me" 2 Corinthians 12:9

It Is Well -- Kristene Dimarco & Bethel Music 

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down we will have a house in heaven an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. " 2 Corinthians 5:1

Home -- Chris Tomlin   

Listen to me descendants of Jacob all of you remain in Israel I have cared for you since you were born yes I carried you before you were born I will be your God throughout your lifetime until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you I will carry you along and save you." Isaiah 46:3-4

Worn -- Tenth Avenue North

"But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the good news and fully carry out the ministry God has given you." 2 Timothy 4:5

No Longer Slaves -- Jonathan and Melissa Helser 

 Finally dear brothers and sisters we urge you in the name of the Lord Jesus to live in a way that pleases God as we have taught you. You live this way already and we encourage you to do so even more." 1 Thessalonians 4:1

Live Like That -- Sidewalk Prophets   

"We have this light shining in our hearts that we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God not from ourselves." 2 Corinthians 4:7

Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) -- Hillsong Worship  

Even If -- Mercy Me

 

 

Running the race with JOY

It is so hard not to let satan steal my joy. However God reminds me over and over that my joy is found in him and not my circumstances.  Sometimes I start to think about all the different ways that I could use the gifts that God has given me to help others. The gifts he has given me are becoming different though than I originally thought. I love to teach and so writing and walking around in a classroom is something that I have lost the ability to do. I wanted more children and wanted to adopt. MS has taken away the ability to have more children in the way that I wanted too.

I love traveling overseas and would love to do missions work with my husband or my dad. These are all good plans but they are not God's plans. Sometimes I like to argue with God about these plans and truthfully I become bitter. I was reading in the book of Joshua and in chapter 2 it tells the story of Rahab. I was given an amazing Bible by a friend and it's the Bible with commentary on suffrering and disability. It says that while Rahab  did not have a disability, she probably didn't see herself as being of any values or use to Israel's God. I so relate!

Many times I don't feel like I can be of any use to God laying on my couch because I cannot get up. I begin to put myself in a downward spiral and don't feel like a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend. I'm sure although our circumstances might be different, you can relate.

There are times that we all find ourselves in a downward spiral of despair. But that is when I have to lift my eyes up and put them on my Heavenly Father. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says that God gives you plans to have a hope and a future. God has used big gifts he's given me in many different ways than I thought however when I choose to focus on him he is glorified. My bible's commentary says although our life experiences may vary God wants to use each of us. It will probably not be how you thought but let God be glorified through you. That is what our life is for. Will you surrender and let God use you?

"It's not that I can am more spiritual but I am more desperate"... Francis Chan

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents prayed for me and taught me the Bible from an early age. I honestly don't remember a time that I didn't know about Jesus and his love for me. However, calling yourself a Christian in the Bible belt growing up was easier than it is now. I began to realize the difference between cultural Christianity and being truly sold out to Jesus. That's one reason why I love the quote from Francis Chan so much because through the trials of circumstances I began  a desperation to know Jesus more. I also began to fall in love with Jesus more and began to understand what having a relationship with Him was all about.
I had been in numerous Bible  studies and gone to church all of my life. But my quiet time with God was a quick devotional reading and a check on my to-do list. As my health began to deteriorate I began to seek God more and more.
I was desperate.
I felt hopeless.
But he began to fill me in a way that only He can. He began to pour His word into my life as I cried out to Him. It says in Psalms that your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. There were so many times and still are that don't know what to pray but as Jesus taught us I pray Scripture. I put scriptures throughout my house and in my car. I pray over them with my children.

Be intentional.

Open up your Bible and cry out to Jesus. In Matthew 6:33 it says to seek him first and all these things will be added unto you. Seek Him so that you will know Him more and more. My prayer for you is that you not only serve Him and know Him but that you fall more and more in love with Jesus every day.

Raising children in this culture is hard. That is such an understatement. It is really really really hard. We got ready to leave for school this morning and as always quite early... The bus arrives at 7 AM. My oldest son was really upset and struggles with anger and anxiety. He has told me many times and again this morning that he cries out to God, but his circumstances don't change. I will admit that I cry out to God too because I want to protect my children and I want their circumstances to change but then God reminds me of His sovereignty. My children are a precious gift from the Lord but they are His, not mine. He knows the plans he has for them, plans to get them hope and a future( Jer. 29:11), not me. The Bible tells us that we are made in God's image and children are a gift from God.

What I desire most for my children is that they love Christ and have a relationship with Him, one that requires trust and faith in him. I pray that they see that authentic faith in me. I'm not always going to do it perfectly, I am a sinner. However my prayer is that they see that their mama needs and depend on Jesus to walk every step and live this life that he has called us too. I pray that though the circumstances may not change that I can trust that he is in control and he knows what we need. We are His children first and my kiddos are his children first.

Thankful for MS

I am thankful for multiple sclerosis. Trust me those are hard words to come out of my mouth. There are days I truly am not thankful... it's a hard disease. However diseases are hard right? Suffering is hard. But I am starting to see that my relationship with God would not be where it is if not for multiple sclerosis.
My husband had just started residency for orthopedic surgery and I was going to teach Elementary school.  We had it all planned out, but as you might know God's ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts. July 3, 2007 is a day that I will always remember. Our lives began to change and the physical body that I knew started to decline.
My first bad relapse with multiple sclerosis happened in 2007 when I was pregnant with my oldest son. I remember going to see my neurologist for the first time in Cleveland with my two week old son and my husband. My son of course was in his car seat, and I was looking around at all the patients with tears in my eyes. How was I supposed to do this? Now I think back and my body was not so bad physically, but at the time I definitely thought it was!
I will always remember my first infant playdate with the other wives in residency. It was snowing and not a big deal to many people but for this southern girl it just added to the chaos! The steps were really slippery from ice and I knew with my balance that I would need to hang onto the railing with both hands . I knocked on the door and the sweet mom who lived there answered the door.  I had to ask her if she would help me get my baby out of the car!
I learned how to ask for help, but most things I could do around the house and for my son . My husband and I were told that relapses with multiple sclerosis are not common during pregnancy. We had just moved when the relapse occurred , and doctors were hoping that the stress of the move caused the relapse.
A few years later, we found out around seven weeks that I was pregnant... and with twins. Not planned and definitely not what we thought! 30 weeks later we brought home our little boy and a little girl. They were healthy, but mommy was not. I did suffer another relapse and this time after I had the twins I begin to decline fast...

Fast forward to now

I am in a wheelchair now and I have lost a lot of strength and coordination especially on my left side. I lost the ability to write and as an early childhood teacher who taught handwriting that is very hard in working with my children! I am learning to ask for more help and I am learning to be grateful . Most of the time I am a gracious receiver of the help my family needs but definitely not all of the time. I am working on that! It is a daily struggle and a daily prayer.
In Romans 8:28 it says that all things are used by God for good. That is a hard verse in the midst of suffering and many times a verse that I did not want to read. It's true though. He will use our suffering for good and to glorify Him.
I have so many verses that I cling to and repeat to myself throughout the day. I have friends and family that help me see God's promises when I cannot. God is faithful. He is good. Trust him and know that our God has great plans for your life.

Verses that I cling to:
II Corinthians 12:9
John 16:33
Romans 12:1-2
James 1:2-3
2 Tim 2:3-4

May they encourage you as well.  Signing off for now.

Letting Go

Why am I calling this blog Letting Go? Lauren Daigle has a wonderful song named "Trust In You." The lyrics of the song express exactly how I feel. I will attach a link to the song at the bottom and I definitely think you should listen to it.

    I've had to let go of a lot of my expectations for my life. I took for granted things like going in and out of stores, putting clothes on, getting in and out of the car, taking a nice long bath... I could go on and on but that is not the point. Jesus had to get me to a point where I found my joy and completeness in Him and not in my circumstances. 

Our children started at a new school this year. Our oldest son started third grade and our  twins started their first day of kindergarten. My mom drove us to the school and pushed me into their classrooms. When we went into the twins classroom I had tears in my eyes. I didn't want my kids to see that I was trying not to cry so I just kept smiling. One of the moms saw me and said "don't you start because we all feel that way." I just smiled and didn't say anything to her. I'm glad I did not because she was right.  We were letting go of our babies. They were going to go to a full day of school for the first time... but I was also letting go of many expectations. 
I thought I was going to be the room mom and that I would love all the projects that we could do in kindergarten. Instead I was unable to drive myself or my kids to their first day of their new school. 

My sweet mom filled out all of the school paperwork because I was unable to write. It is different than I thought. However my relationship with God is so much deeper and richer. I see him meeting our family's needs and providing in ways that I would have never thought possible. In the Psalms it tells us that the grass withers away but the word of the Lord stands forever. My physical body is failing and I hope and pray that I will regain strength again. 

If I don't though, God doesn't change and we are complete in Him. My prayer for you is that you will know God is faithful. He is just. He is trustworthy and He loves you and me.

Here's the song lyrics