Running the race with JOY

It is so hard not to let satan steal my joy. However God reminds me over and over that my joy is found in him and not my circumstances.  Sometimes I start to think about all the different ways that I could use the gifts that God has given me to help others. The gifts he has given me are becoming different though than I originally thought. I love to teach and so writing and walking around in a classroom is something that I have lost the ability to do. I wanted more children and wanted to adopt. MS has taken away the ability to have more children in the way that I wanted too.

I love traveling overseas and would love to do missions work with my husband or my dad. These are all good plans but they are not God's plans. Sometimes I like to argue with God about these plans and truthfully I become bitter. I was reading in the book of Joshua and in chapter 2 it tells the story of Rahab. I was given an amazing Bible by a friend and it's the Bible with commentary on suffrering and disability. It says that while Rahab  did not have a disability, she probably didn't see herself as being of any values or use to Israel's God. I so relate!

Many times I don't feel like I can be of any use to God laying on my couch because I cannot get up. I begin to put myself in a downward spiral and don't feel like a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend. I'm sure although our circumstances might be different, you can relate.

There are times that we all find ourselves in a downward spiral of despair. But that is when I have to lift my eyes up and put them on my Heavenly Father. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says that God gives you plans to have a hope and a future. God has used big gifts he's given me in many different ways than I thought however when I choose to focus on him he is glorified. My bible's commentary says although our life experiences may vary God wants to use each of us. It will probably not be how you thought but let God be glorified through you. That is what our life is for. Will you surrender and let God use you?

"It's not that I can am more spiritual but I am more desperate"... Francis Chan

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents prayed for me and taught me the Bible from an early age. I honestly don't remember a time that I didn't know about Jesus and his love for me. However, calling yourself a Christian in the Bible belt growing up was easier than it is now. I began to realize the difference between cultural Christianity and being truly sold out to Jesus. That's one reason why I love the quote from Francis Chan so much because through the trials of circumstances I began  a desperation to know Jesus more. I also began to fall in love with Jesus more and began to understand what having a relationship with Him was all about.
I had been in numerous Bible  studies and gone to church all of my life. But my quiet time with God was a quick devotional reading and a check on my to-do list. As my health began to deteriorate I began to seek God more and more.
I was desperate.
I felt hopeless.
But he began to fill me in a way that only He can. He began to pour His word into my life as I cried out to Him. It says in Psalms that your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. There were so many times and still are that don't know what to pray but as Jesus taught us I pray Scripture. I put scriptures throughout my house and in my car. I pray over them with my children.

Be intentional.

Open up your Bible and cry out to Jesus. In Matthew 6:33 it says to seek him first and all these things will be added unto you. Seek Him so that you will know Him more and more. My prayer for you is that you not only serve Him and know Him but that you fall more and more in love with Jesus every day.

Raising children in this culture is hard. That is such an understatement. It is really really really hard. We got ready to leave for school this morning and as always quite early... The bus arrives at 7 AM. My oldest son was really upset and struggles with anger and anxiety. He has told me many times and again this morning that he cries out to God, but his circumstances don't change. I will admit that I cry out to God too because I want to protect my children and I want their circumstances to change but then God reminds me of His sovereignty. My children are a precious gift from the Lord but they are His, not mine. He knows the plans he has for them, plans to get them hope and a future( Jer. 29:11), not me. The Bible tells us that we are made in God's image and children are a gift from God.

What I desire most for my children is that they love Christ and have a relationship with Him, one that requires trust and faith in him. I pray that they see that authentic faith in me. I'm not always going to do it perfectly, I am a sinner. However my prayer is that they see that their mama needs and depend on Jesus to walk every step and live this life that he has called us too. I pray that though the circumstances may not change that I can trust that he is in control and he knows what we need. We are His children first and my kiddos are his children first.